Where The RN Began...

For me...I didn't always wish to be a nurse. As early as I can remember I wanted to be a lawyer, a vet, a wedding planner, a florist, a hair stylist... Then in high school one afternoon I sat in my counselors office at a crossroad. I couldn't decide if I wanted to do on the job training my senior year at the early childhood center or go to EMT classes... When I told my counselor I wasn't sure...She immediately said "EMT" and I agreed. I adored her, she was my volleyball coach, a kind ear that always listened and thought so much of me that in 2001 she nominated me for an award in Anchorage... It was a young woman achievement award. I didn't win, but the nomination meant just as much to me.

I went on my way not knowing what I was getting myself into. Started EMT class right away and loved it. Honestly, I was fascinated by a not so normal career, the rush of trauma, love from the community for being in such a role and learned that I loved nothing more than hauling ass to a fire...Then came the firefighter academy. I was set. I never felt so important to do anything in my life. I loved the job, I loved the people I worked with, I loved the patient care. I not so much loved the "on call" aspect, being sleep deprived and picking up drunks on the Alaska high way in freezing temps. So the most logical thing to me was to carry on in medicine...but in the warm comfort of a hospital and so the venture for becoming an RN began. And holly shit what a venture.

I worked my ass off for at least 4 years doing prereq's and not just doing them, but achieving a 4.0 every minute I could because I was told nursing schools would evaluate me on my GPA. Well taking classes, working full time, buying a house, planning a wedding AND getting a new puppy might not have been the best start... I did it. I got migraines. I was like damn, I should have just stayed an EMT. I got through it.

Then came the shock of nursing school. The first attempt to get into the RN program here in Washington was a fail. I neatly submitted all of my paperwork just to get a "you're not excepted letter"...When I saw this my heart dropped. I knew it had to be a mistake...I had tons of medical hours/experience, that 4.0 gpa, letters of recommendation from my fire chief, boss and co-workers. The next morning I called to find out what happen. Turns out all those big people who sit around and look at these RN program application packets missed the fact that I was a certified CNA (which you have to be to get into the program). The best part is I did my CNA cert at the same damn school...Had someone looked, they would have seen I had my CNA and I should have been accepted then. Whatever. I got in in the next quarter in the fall 2009 after a summer of fun and an outstanding Vegas vaca. I was ready. Bullshit...I was ready up until the point I saw our 5 classes schedule and hit the overload, flip the fuck out mode...I gained 20lbs and lost half my hair. This "venture" made me something I hated. I was stressed out and not happy at all.

Two years later... Gradu-fucking-ation :). I lost the weight, grew some of that damn hair back and felt glad to be done! I had learn to adapt to the bullshit, the unfair teachers, the insane studying schedule and the acceptance of no social life...I made it trough. I look back and am thankful I didn't get accepted the first time, because the class I joined ended up being a great one. I made some friends there that I know I will have for a very long time...As well as some enemies, but they are only enemies for very good reasons.

So here we are 9 months after graduation and I think about all I did to get to this point, all the hardships, the rewards and now the RN job. Don't ever get me wrong in all of this, I am thankful, but I still feel like I am waiting to exhale...I think this will help. Oh and BTW RN school doesn't do shit to prep you for the RN job. When you start the job, it's like doing fucking school all over again...You start from square one. What an incredible, emotional, rough start it's been. I sometimes think if I knew then what I know now I might have stayed an EMT and went to Paramedic school and just sucked up the "on call" shifts and hard weather... But what do they say...? Hindsight is 20/20. So there you have it, here I am and I have a lot to say. Hence the blog eventually, in hopes, book. I feel like there are many lessons to share that they don't tell you in nursing school and if this only turns out to be a blog...So be it, it is my therapy. My free therapy.

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Nursing makes me question reasons in life. Patient's lives makes me question my own. I myself question God. Is God questioning me?

HawthoRNe

Hawthorne is one of the only shows I'm following on T.V. Sometimes I can't even follow it, I later watch it on demand. Cable is amazing that way. Every time I sit down to watch it I expect three things: To cry by the end of the show, To be able to relate to a story with patients I've had, and To wonder about what kind of nurse I'll be. When I say "Kind of nurse I'll be," I don't mean in which department, but how will I be viewed by surrounding staff and patients. If you're too soft people view you in a way that they can take advantage of you. Sometimes being soft and patient makes people appreciated your care. Sometimes it makes them think they can manipulate you. If you're too hard you are a bitch, you're tired of your job or you're lacking in your patient care skills. If your assertive you're viewed as controlling and cold. I've worked clinical settings and I've worked ambulance settings. In any setting it is hard to know the person and for them to know you. You never know how someone is going to react. You never know someones true intentions. You can never tell how they will interpret you. My job is not to worry about that. My job is always about patient care and helping them back to health. If health can't be achieved it then becomes a game of making them comfortable. I always think about people. Sometimes I think to much. The constant worry and thinking has made me appreciated and hated. I love the patients that notice I am doing my best 110% to help them. It's even better when they are thankful and their family is thankful too. That occurrence reminds me why I do this. I love to help people. I don't need a gold star by doing them right. I do them right because I feel it is my duty. I feel it natural that I overachieve and anything less is me short falling. Sometimes caring in this way makes people sick of you. Some people you can't even ask if they are okay more than once and they unload on you. I've had this too. They hate to see you come in and god forbid get a set of vitals. To them, you are a pain in the ass. Maybe they see me young and naive. I hate that. I am damn good at my job and really care. I know what I am doing and if I don't I have no problem asking. Health care is all about customer service. I've learned this quick. Some people will never be happy with everything you do and some will be happy for the little things you do. Nothing makes me think more about my life and my impact on people around me more than this line of work. There is something that gets me when I look into the eyes of someone in this setting. You realize how lucky you may be. You realize how strong someone can me. It changes the way I think and feel about things. I feel like my problems are so ridiculous compared to these people. You can be rich and have everything in this world, but if you don't have your health what does it all matter? I feel so deeply for the people who don't ask for this...or who are born into misfortune in their health. The people that abuse their bodies...I find myself having less sympathy for. This is a whirlwind of thoughts. This is only half of it.

LESSON 2

I actually like my job. When I think about the patient care aspect and what I actually do for a living...I think is pretty amazing and important. I may not give a fuck about co workers or the shit they try to pull around the clinic... I may dread leaving my husband to tend to my shift...But at the end of most days after working and touching these patients in a way I never thought I would...I realize it is incredible. They are depending on my "job" to continue living their life. Who am I to be shitty there? They don't want to be there either......I'm sitting at a computer at our nurse station and I overhear a patient on the phone in his chair. He doesn't know I can hear him. He is only 40 and very new to dialysis. He is late everyday and can get pretty shitty to staff at times. He is hopefully getting a transplant from a friend if all the test match...He owns several real estate projects that aren't making much money. I overhear his voice explaining how dissatisfied he is with life. He tells the person on the other line how he works a 15 hour day and then has to come to dialysis. He is exhausted. He feels overwhelmed. I see him on the phone with his lap top in his lap and a stack of bills on his table that he is going through and writing checks for. He tells someone on the phone...With a market like this...He is unsure how is will even pay for all of these bills. He shakes his head continuously perhaps at the amount of money he owes or by the callers words. I can only imagine if this was his wife on the phone. I think where is she? Why isn't she helping him? Oh, she is at home with their four kids. She probably has a lot to do also. Could you imagine your husband being so dependent on medical care and also working such long hours to keep your family and home intact. Could you imagine her worry? He hangs up the phone. I have to interrupt him to fix his blood pressure cuff and get a reading on his pressure as he sits there stressed out over life. I feel like a big inconvenience on him so I hurry and apologize. I see a substantial rise in blood pressure and as I look at him sitting there in frustration alone... I can feel the tears whelming up inside of me. He is so engulfed in his moment that he no longer notices I am there looking at his face. This man most of the time has nothing but shitty things to say to me...Even when I have done nothing wrong...Yet I find some way in my heart to be empathetic for him and want to take all of his pain and worry away. I adjust his time slightly so that he doesn't have to spend the whole four hours in that chair and walk away. This moment takes me back like I haven't had happen in awhile. It makes me realize I do still have a heart for these patients even when they are so rude and ridiculous...Here is someones life and they are dependent on me. It becomes somewhat easy to build a wall on my job. You have the same patients every other day. You build a relationship with them. You know what to expect. You unfortunately get somewhat complacent...So it may seem sometimes that we are unaffected or cold towards this high burn out job. I think it is just a defense mechanism. If I took to heart everything those patients felt or discussed with me...I would be a wreck. It's not that we don't care but we put up a little bit of a wall. Ask anyone in health care...I think it's imperative. I can't imagine what life feels like him for right now. It's moments like this that I wish I had more power to heal people. That I really want to take everything negative out of their lives...Times like these I think about my own life and how I can't waste time spending negative emotions on things...Life is so damn short and most people have it a lot better than they think. Most people do not appreciate what they have and take it for granted...They want to fight piss and moan about the little things when they need to think about the bigger picture. I wish sometimes to be someone of importance to make a difference...Then I think that maybe even little me in my small world may be able to make a bigger difference than I had imagined. This is why I'll be on my way to be a nurse...I can't lose sight of that in my struggle through school and hard times on the job. One of the greatest feelings I have ever had is being there for someone and helping them in their time of need. I'll never forget the first time a little girl remembered me in the Wal-mart because I was the first responder to her car accident...Helping her out to safety...I made a difference in her life and she appreciated me more that I would of ever thought when I signed up for this...So I can't change the whole world...I may just change a few lives and provide the care to heal someones daughter or mother...And that in itself seems so amazing to me. (This is unedited and not proof read...Bear with my thought process)

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AS MUCH AS I HAVE TRIED TO AVOID FALLING INTO THE COMPLICATED LIVES OF MY PATIENTS...I'VE FALLEN...FOR SOME REASON...FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON... A LOT OF THEM FIND AND ENCOURAGE THE WILL AND DESIRE TO SHARE WITH ME THEIR LIVES. IT DOESN'T MATTER MY OPINION OF SOME OF THEM..THEY SOMEHOW FEEL THE CONNECTION WITH ME TO SHARE VERY PERSONAL INFO. I TRY TO BE A GOOD LISTENER...AND EVEN IF I DON'T CARE FOR WHO THEY ARE AS A PERSON IN OUR LITTLE SOCIETY OF SEATTLE...I STILL TAKE THE BEST CARE OF THEM AS I CAN...AND I SHOULD NOT ONLY FOR THE CREED I HAVE SIGNED INTO..BUT IN A WORLD OF MORALS AS A HUMAN BEING AND AS A HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONAL. THEY TELL ME THINGS THAT I SOMETIMES REGRET KNOWING AND FEEL THIS INCREDIBLE OVERWHELMING FEELING OF EMPATHY. SOMETIMES THE TRUTH OF THEIR LIVES IS OVERWHELMING AND SURREAL. I TRY TO FOCUS ON WHAT THEY SAY... AND NOT REFLECT THE EMOTION OF TEARS AND HELPLESSNESS THEY DISPLAY. I HUSTLE IN MY MIND OF THE RIGHT THINGS TO SAY TO THEM AND THE WORDS TO MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR THEM OR GIVE THEM SOME KIND OF HOPE. I SOMETIMES KNOW I'VE SAID THE RIGHT THING JUST BY THEIR NONVERBAL LANGUAGE AND I KNOW WHEN I DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL IT'S OKAY BECAUSE SOMETIMES THEY JUST NEED TO VENT AND NEED SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO THEM. ON THURSDAY ONE OF THESE OCCURRENCES TOOK PLACE ON A RAINY MORNING WHEN A YOUNGER PATIENT TOLD ME THEY PULLED THE PLUG ON HIS YOUNGER BROTHER WHO WAS ALSO ON DIALYSIS...HAD A SEIZURE...AND WENT BRAIN DEAD. HE EXPLAINED TO ME HOW HE HELD HIS 25YR OLD BROTHER'S HAND AND EVEN THOUGH HE FELT WARM...HIS LIFE SUPPORTED BY MAN MADE MACHINERY...HE WAS NO LONGER "THERE"...HE SAID A PRAYER AND LEFT HIS BROTHERS SIDE FOR THE SAKE OF HIS KIDS OVERWHELMING EMOTIONS AND TRUE NON UNDERSTANDING OF THE SITUATION. I COULD TELL BY LOOKING AT HIM THAT HE HADN'T SLEPT AND THAT HIS EYES WERE SO RED AND PUFFY... I KNEW HE WAS UP CRYING ALL NIGHT LONG. HIS PHONE RANG JUST BEFORE I CONNECTED TO HIM TO THE MACHINE THAT WAS INEVITABLY KEEPING HIM ALIVE...HE NEEDED TO GET UP AND USE THE PHONE TO TALK TO A FAMILY MEMBER...SO I LET HIM BE AND FOUGHT THE TEARS THAT HIT ME OUT OF NO WHERE LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN...THINKING THAT IF I WAS HIM AND MY BROTHER WAS GONE...I WOULDN'T BE A DIALYSIS CLINIC BUT INSTEAD IN BED CRYING MY HEART OUT... THIS IS ONE EXAMPLE OF HOW I'M CONTINUOUSLY TOUCHED BY THESE PEOPLE'S LIVES...EVEN WHEN THEY ARE SHITTY TO ME...I TRY TO KEEP IN PERSPECTIVE THEY DON'T FEEL WELL AT ALL...AND THEY ARE DEALING WITH THESE LIFE SITUATIONS THAT WOULD PIN YOU AND I DOWN AND MAKE US NOT WANT TO ADDRESS LIFE AT ALL. THE FACT THEY GET UP EVERYDAY AND KEEP FIGHTING IS MOTIVATION FOR ME TO KEEP ON KEEPING ON WHEN I HAVE PROBLEMS THAT SEEM SO TEDIOUS COMPARED TO THEIRS....