LESSON 2

I actually like my job. When I think about the patient care aspect and what I actually do for a living...I think is pretty amazing and important. I may not give a fuck about co workers or the shit they try to pull around the clinic... I may dread leaving my husband to tend to my shift...But at the end of most days after working and touching these patients in a way I never thought I would...I realize it is incredible. They are depending on my "job" to continue living their life. Who am I to be shitty there? They don't want to be there either......I'm sitting at a computer at our nurse station and I overhear a patient on the phone in his chair. He doesn't know I can hear him. He is only 40 and very new to dialysis. He is late everyday and can get pretty shitty to staff at times. He is hopefully getting a transplant from a friend if all the test match...He owns several real estate projects that aren't making much money. I overhear his voice explaining how dissatisfied he is with life. He tells the person on the other line how he works a 15 hour day and then has to come to dialysis. He is exhausted. He feels overwhelmed. I see him on the phone with his lap top in his lap and a stack of bills on his table that he is going through and writing checks for. He tells someone on the phone...With a market like this...He is unsure how is will even pay for all of these bills. He shakes his head continuously perhaps at the amount of money he owes or by the callers words. I can only imagine if this was his wife on the phone. I think where is she? Why isn't she helping him? Oh, she is at home with their four kids. She probably has a lot to do also. Could you imagine your husband being so dependent on medical care and also working such long hours to keep your family and home intact. Could you imagine her worry? He hangs up the phone. I have to interrupt him to fix his blood pressure cuff and get a reading on his pressure as he sits there stressed out over life. I feel like a big inconvenience on him so I hurry and apologize. I see a substantial rise in blood pressure and as I look at him sitting there in frustration alone... I can feel the tears whelming up inside of me. He is so engulfed in his moment that he no longer notices I am there looking at his face. This man most of the time has nothing but shitty things to say to me...Even when I have done nothing wrong...Yet I find some way in my heart to be empathetic for him and want to take all of his pain and worry away. I adjust his time slightly so that he doesn't have to spend the whole four hours in that chair and walk away. This moment takes me back like I haven't had happen in awhile. It makes me realize I do still have a heart for these patients even when they are so rude and ridiculous...Here is someones life and they are dependent on me. It becomes somewhat easy to build a wall on my job. You have the same patients every other day. You build a relationship with them. You know what to expect. You unfortunately get somewhat complacent...So it may seem sometimes that we are unaffected or cold towards this high burn out job. I think it is just a defense mechanism. If I took to heart everything those patients felt or discussed with me...I would be a wreck. It's not that we don't care but we put up a little bit of a wall. Ask anyone in health care...I think it's imperative. I can't imagine what life feels like him for right now. It's moments like this that I wish I had more power to heal people. That I really want to take everything negative out of their lives...Times like these I think about my own life and how I can't waste time spending negative emotions on things...Life is so damn short and most people have it a lot better than they think. Most people do not appreciate what they have and take it for granted...They want to fight piss and moan about the little things when they need to think about the bigger picture. I wish sometimes to be someone of importance to make a difference...Then I think that maybe even little me in my small world may be able to make a bigger difference than I had imagined. This is why I'll be on my way to be a nurse...I can't lose sight of that in my struggle through school and hard times on the job. One of the greatest feelings I have ever had is being there for someone and helping them in their time of need. I'll never forget the first time a little girl remembered me in the Wal-mart because I was the first responder to her car accident...Helping her out to safety...I made a difference in her life and she appreciated me more that I would of ever thought when I signed up for this...So I can't change the whole world...I may just change a few lives and provide the care to heal someones daughter or mother...And that in itself seems so amazing to me. (This is unedited and not proof read...Bear with my thought process)