Shift Swap

Changed to evening shift from night shift I did. Yep. Imagine being a nurse in a hospital you like, with coworkers you like and in a shift you like. Imagine greeting patients during the afternoon to care for them instead of in the middle of the night when they bitch you out for waking them up. Imagine being able to be proactive with their care, talk to them, teach them, meet their families and actually build a relationship with them. Imagine seeing your patients awake and progress from sickness to health. Imagine patients that are able to describe their thoughts, feelings, goals and life with you... Instead of existing as a nurse on night shift... Watching your patients sleep... And honestly hoping to god you don't walk in and they are blue (not breathing or without a pulse). It is a great feeling and a great much needed change.

Huh?

Here is the situation. All women may have been created equal, but not all women are created with the same anatomy. See below the picture I have posted to see an appropriate/ what you EXPECT to find as the female anatomy below the belt:

 See how it goes in order from top to bottom...Clitoris, Urethral opening (pee hole) then Vagina (pole hole)... This is how it should look. Organized and separated. This is what they teach you in school. This information may seem a bit much...BUT being a new nurse....It is not enough information. See what I was failed to be informed about is that sometimes...A woman can not look this organized in her anatomy. Sometimes the pee hole (urethral opening) is sometimes not where is should be, but rather INSIDE the poke hole (vagina). I could not be making this up if I wanted to...They don't prepare you for this in nursing school. Instead, the first time you go to insert a foley catheter (tube +bag we put in the urethral opening to drain the bladder during surgery or acute urine retention) YOU CANNOT FIND THE PEE HOLE, you may panic. The first time this happen to me...I started to poke around at the clit. I was like...WTF? Where is this pee hole. This woman HAS to have a pee hole somewhere...UNTIL I learned from an older nurse...Sometimes anatomy is screwed up and you actually have to go in the poke hole (vagina) about an inch to find this pee hole (urethral opening). You can imagine my relief to know...IT"S YOU, NOT ME :) The ladies anatomy is screwed up and that is why I couldn't find the hole to place the catheter. Whoa. Glad we got that out of the way in the learning...Thank you nursing school for failing to educate me on this very common anatomy malfunction.

Crotchety

I guess I have always thought of the word as made up...But if you look up "crotchety" it is an actual word meaning irritable. This would explain my least favorite person on our whole floor. She has been a nurse for longer than I have been alive. This could be her problem. She is old jaded, bitchy and just overall the type of person you would not want as your nurse. She comes in half an hour early for her shift. I am not sure why. Does she need this extra time for the whole floor to hear her bitch? She will bitch about her assignment, type of patients, how we give her report, how there is no fresh coffee, how the unit is too hot, how the housekeeping staff is waxing the floor....I could go on. If there is something to bitch about...This old fart will find it. Even when I try to avoid her or keep conversation to a minimum, she will still get under my skin being such a bitch...BUT then have the balls to say I have an attitude. I just want to be like..."WTF is your problem? Maybe you should retire"...But in all honesty it is just not worth it. She is the type of nurse I hope I never turn into. The night she found out I was leaving night shift...Her reply was not..."JJ, I am so happy for you, maybe switching to evening shift will allow you to sleep at night, function like a human being and spend time with your husband". Instead she replies, "You're moving to evening shift?...Are you serious? (long blank stare from her old, non makeup wearing pasty face) I am going to tell Cathy (our nurse manager) to not hire any new nurses because you guys always leave and it's a waste of time!" What I wanted my reply to be is..."YOU are a waste of time. Your mom should have swallowed that load instead of allowing it to fertilize an egg, producing you". BUT I decide to take the higher road and walk off. This is not a battle I am trying to acknowledge or entertain. I am suppose to be the mature professional...As is she. But what she is showing me is if you do your job for 30+ years you become a crotchety old bitch. I use to hear her on occasion talking about her husband; She is hoping he will die soon then she can live off his insurance. I tell you what...If that guy ends up dead or missing I'll be the first volunteer witness on the stand to testify against the crotchety bitch.