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Nursing makes me question reasons in life. Patient's lives makes me question my own. I myself question God. Is God questioning me?

HawthoRNe

Hawthorne is one of the only shows I'm following on T.V. Sometimes I can't even follow it, I later watch it on demand. Cable is amazing that way. Every time I sit down to watch it I expect three things: To cry by the end of the show, To be able to relate to a story with patients I've had, and To wonder about what kind of nurse I'll be. When I say "Kind of nurse I'll be," I don't mean in which department, but how will I be viewed by surrounding staff and patients. If you're too soft people view you in a way that they can take advantage of you. Sometimes being soft and patient makes people appreciated your care. Sometimes it makes them think they can manipulate you. If you're too hard you are a bitch, you're tired of your job or you're lacking in your patient care skills. If your assertive you're viewed as controlling and cold. I've worked clinical settings and I've worked ambulance settings. In any setting it is hard to know the person and for them to know you. You never know how someone is going to react. You never know someones true intentions. You can never tell how they will interpret you. My job is not to worry about that. My job is always about patient care and helping them back to health. If health can't be achieved it then becomes a game of making them comfortable. I always think about people. Sometimes I think to much. The constant worry and thinking has made me appreciated and hated. I love the patients that notice I am doing my best 110% to help them. It's even better when they are thankful and their family is thankful too. That occurrence reminds me why I do this. I love to help people. I don't need a gold star by doing them right. I do them right because I feel it is my duty. I feel it natural that I overachieve and anything less is me short falling. Sometimes caring in this way makes people sick of you. Some people you can't even ask if they are okay more than once and they unload on you. I've had this too. They hate to see you come in and god forbid get a set of vitals. To them, you are a pain in the ass. Maybe they see me young and naive. I hate that. I am damn good at my job and really care. I know what I am doing and if I don't I have no problem asking. Health care is all about customer service. I've learned this quick. Some people will never be happy with everything you do and some will be happy for the little things you do. Nothing makes me think more about my life and my impact on people around me more than this line of work. There is something that gets me when I look into the eyes of someone in this setting. You realize how lucky you may be. You realize how strong someone can me. It changes the way I think and feel about things. I feel like my problems are so ridiculous compared to these people. You can be rich and have everything in this world, but if you don't have your health what does it all matter? I feel so deeply for the people who don't ask for this...or who are born into misfortune in their health. The people that abuse their bodies...I find myself having less sympathy for. This is a whirlwind of thoughts. This is only half of it.