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AS MUCH AS I HAVE TRIED TO AVOID FALLING INTO THE COMPLICATED LIVES OF MY PATIENTS...I'VE FALLEN...FOR SOME REASON...FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON... A LOT OF THEM FIND AND ENCOURAGE THE WILL AND DESIRE TO SHARE WITH ME THEIR LIVES. IT DOESN'T MATTER MY OPINION OF SOME OF THEM..THEY SOMEHOW FEEL THE CONNECTION WITH ME TO SHARE VERY PERSONAL INFO. I TRY TO BE A GOOD LISTENER...AND EVEN IF I DON'T CARE FOR WHO THEY ARE AS A PERSON IN OUR LITTLE SOCIETY OF SEATTLE...I STILL TAKE THE BEST CARE OF THEM AS I CAN...AND I SHOULD NOT ONLY FOR THE CREED I HAVE SIGNED INTO..BUT IN A WORLD OF MORALS AS A HUMAN BEING AND AS A HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONAL. THEY TELL ME THINGS THAT I SOMETIMES REGRET KNOWING AND FEEL THIS INCREDIBLE OVERWHELMING FEELING OF EMPATHY. SOMETIMES THE TRUTH OF THEIR LIVES IS OVERWHELMING AND SURREAL. I TRY TO FOCUS ON WHAT THEY SAY... AND NOT REFLECT THE EMOTION OF TEARS AND HELPLESSNESS THEY DISPLAY. I HUSTLE IN MY MIND OF THE RIGHT THINGS TO SAY TO THEM AND THE WORDS TO MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR THEM OR GIVE THEM SOME KIND OF HOPE. I SOMETIMES KNOW I'VE SAID THE RIGHT THING JUST BY THEIR NONVERBAL LANGUAGE AND I KNOW WHEN I DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL IT'S OKAY BECAUSE SOMETIMES THEY JUST NEED TO VENT AND NEED SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO THEM. ON THURSDAY ONE OF THESE OCCURRENCES TOOK PLACE ON A RAINY MORNING WHEN A YOUNGER PATIENT TOLD ME THEY PULLED THE PLUG ON HIS YOUNGER BROTHER WHO WAS ALSO ON DIALYSIS...HAD A SEIZURE...AND WENT BRAIN DEAD. HE EXPLAINED TO ME HOW HE HELD HIS 25YR OLD BROTHER'S HAND AND EVEN THOUGH HE FELT WARM...HIS LIFE SUPPORTED BY MAN MADE MACHINERY...HE WAS NO LONGER "THERE"...HE SAID A PRAYER AND LEFT HIS BROTHERS SIDE FOR THE SAKE OF HIS KIDS OVERWHELMING EMOTIONS AND TRUE NON UNDERSTANDING OF THE SITUATION. I COULD TELL BY LOOKING AT HIM THAT HE HADN'T SLEPT AND THAT HIS EYES WERE SO RED AND PUFFY... I KNEW HE WAS UP CRYING ALL NIGHT LONG. HIS PHONE RANG JUST BEFORE I CONNECTED TO HIM TO THE MACHINE THAT WAS INEVITABLY KEEPING HIM ALIVE...HE NEEDED TO GET UP AND USE THE PHONE TO TALK TO A FAMILY MEMBER...SO I LET HIM BE AND FOUGHT THE TEARS THAT HIT ME OUT OF NO WHERE LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN...THINKING THAT IF I WAS HIM AND MY BROTHER WAS GONE...I WOULDN'T BE A DIALYSIS CLINIC BUT INSTEAD IN BED CRYING MY HEART OUT... THIS IS ONE EXAMPLE OF HOW I'M CONTINUOUSLY TOUCHED BY THESE PEOPLE'S LIVES...EVEN WHEN THEY ARE SHITTY TO ME...I TRY TO KEEP IN PERSPECTIVE THEY DON'T FEEL WELL AT ALL...AND THEY ARE DEALING WITH THESE LIFE SITUATIONS THAT WOULD PIN YOU AND I DOWN AND MAKE US NOT WANT TO ADDRESS LIFE AT ALL. THE FACT THEY GET UP EVERYDAY AND KEEP FIGHTING IS MOTIVATION FOR ME TO KEEP ON KEEPING ON WHEN I HAVE PROBLEMS THAT SEEM SO TEDIOUS COMPARED TO THEIRS....