EXHAUSTION

***Past blog about my work/school load before nursing 

EXHAUSTION IS A 19HR DAY WHEN YOU COME HOME AND COLLAPSE...AND YOU DON'T RECALL THE DRIVE HOME BECAUSE THE TIME WAS CONSUMED OF THOUGHTS OF THINGS YOU'VE DONE, WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE, AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN. IN A 19HOUR DAY I WORK AND SOMETIMES FEEL I AM GOING SOMEWHERE. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I AM NO LONGER 19 AND CAN'T DO THIS SHIT ANYMORE. I'M NOT MUCH OLDER...BUT I FEEL SOMETIMES I AM. I FEEL LIKE LIFE WAS NOT SUPPOSE TO BE LIKE THIS TO GET SOMEWHERE. TO GET SOMEWHERE I'M MEANING A CAREER WHERE I CAN LIVE AND NOT HAVE TO REALLY WORRY ABOUT MONEY BECAUSE I MAKE WHAT I AM WORTH. I MEAN TO GET SOMEWHERE WITH A DEGREE AND BE TRULY HAPPY/CONTENT WITH MY JOB. TO NOT HAVE TO WORK FULL TIME, ATTEND CLASSES FULL TIME, AND RATION THE REST OF MY TIME FOR HOMEWORK, SLEEP, IF I EAT THAT DAY DRAINING THE STRENGTH OF MY IMMUNE SYSTEM IN A WAY THAT COULD SERIOUSLY HOSPITALIZED ME. FINDING THE EXTRA MINUTES TO MAKE SURE MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY KNOW THAT I LOVE THEM SO MUCH AND THINK ABOUT THEM BUT HAVE TO BE WORKING SO HARD THAT THERE IS NO TIME TO CALL? I NOW CARRY MY PHONE ON ME MOST TIMES TO TEXT WHEN I GET THE CHANCE. LAME RIGHT? WHY DO THAT TO YOURSELF? I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T SEE ANYWAY TO MOVE FORWARD WITHOUT HAVING TO WORK THIS HARD. THERE ARE BILLS TO PAY AND SCHOOL FEELS LIKE IT'S NOT AN OPTION. IF I WANT THAT NURSING DEGREE I HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING ON. THE FIREFIGHTER THOUGH CLINGS ON TO THE BACK OF MY MIND FOR DEAR LIFE...AND I RATION AGAINST IT. A MARRIAGE AND A LIFE WILL BE ENOUGH WORK WITH A HUSBAND WHO IS A POLICE OFFICER...WITHOUT ADDING THE MOM OR WIFE WHO WILL BE HOME EVERY OTHER NIGHT...SO I KEEP ON PRESSING ON AND TRY NOT TO GET DISCOURAGED OR UNMOTIVATED... I KEEP IN MIND THAT GOD WON'T HAND ME ANYTHING I CAN'T HANDLE (THX RE) AND KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON.

WAR

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THERE IS A WAR OF THE HEART AGAINST THE MIND? WHEN THERE IS NEVER ENDING CONFLICT AND NO RESOLUTION. WHEN THERE IS ONE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SIDE AGAINST THE OTHER SIDE. WHEN THESE TWO SIDES NEED TO COME TOGETHER...

THE MIND CAN BE LOGICAL. COLD. SEE THINGS IN BLACK AND WHITE. LACK FEELING. BE REASONABLE. NOT ALWAYS RELIABLE? VERY RELIABLE?

THE HEART FEELS. GOES ON EMOTIONS. DESPAIR. CONSIDERS REGRET. REMEMBERS. ACTS CONSCIENTIOUS. IT TAKES INTO ACCOUNT OTHER PEOPLE FOR CONSIDERATION AND POSSIBLY THEIR STATE OF HEART. WARM. BLIND.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN ONE SAYS GO AND ONE SAYS STAY. WHEN ONES SAYS OBVIOUSLY THIS IS THE POINT AND THE OTHER IS STILL LOST IN THAT REASON. WHEN ONE HAS LOST HOPE AND ONE IS STILL HOLDING OUT AND HOLDING ONTO HOPE. WHEN ONE IS SO FILLED IN EGO TO NOT CRY WHILE THE OTHER ONE CRIES CONTINUOUSLY. WHEN ONE FEELS SO EMPTY AND SITS LIFELESS AND THE OTHER IS READY TO MOVE ON IN AN INSTANT.

ME

*** I wrote this 5 years ago...It was interesting to read again...This time I'll publish it

I CONTINUE TO LEARN THINGS ABOUT MYSELF...
I'M ALWAYS THINKING OF THE ALWAYS
EVOLVING DEFINITION OF ME...
I'M GOING TO KEEP ADDING TO THIS AS I THINK OF STUFF...
IT'S ABOUT PUTTING IT INTO PERSPECTIVE FOR ME...
I...
WORRY
ACT IMPULSIVE
ACT WITH MY HEART
AM VERY LOGICAL
DON'T ALWAYS THINK BEFORE TALKING
SOMETIMES THINK TOO MUCH BEFORE TALKING
AM SOMETIMES TOO UPFRONT
SOMETIMES HIDE THE TRUTH TO AVOID HURTING SOMEONE
HATE LIARS
HATE RACIST
HATE UNMOTIVATED PEOPLE
AM AN OVERACHIEVER
HAVE HIGH EXPECTATIONS OF PEOPLE
AM LET DOWN WITH PEOPLE WHO DON'T MEET MY EXPECTATIONS
AM VERY MOTIVATED
AM A WORKHORSE
LOVE PEOPLE MORE THAN THEY DO ME
THINK GAYS SHOULD BE ABLE TO MARRY
MISS MY AUNT LA MORE THAN WORDS CAN EXPRESS
HAVE A GROWING FAITH MORE AND MORE EACH DAY IN GOD
TAKE MY ROSARY BEADS IN MY CAR/ AIRPLANE TRIPS
WISH PEOPLE WOULD HEAR ME OUT
HATE WHEN PEOPLE GET THE WRONG IMPRESSION OF ME
HATE LAZINESS
STRESS
THINK TOO MUCH
ALWAYS HAVE A SONG IN MY HEAD
TRY TO LET PEOPLE KNOW I LOVE THEM AND AM THANKFUL FOR THEM
CAN BE CONTROLLING
CAN NOT ALWAYS RELY ON PEOPLE
AM A PERFECTIONIST
WONDER IF ILL EVERY BE HAPPY WITH MYSELF
AM A PROUD FIREFIGHTER
WOULD LIKE TO BE A NURSE
LOVE MY PARENTS AND WOULD NEVER CHOSE ANYONE ELSE TO REPLACE THEM
WILL NEVER MARRY AGAIN SHOULD THIS ONE NOT WORK
REALIZE MARRIAGE IS A LOT OF WORK!
WOULD DO ANYTHING TO MAKE MARRIAGE WORK
FEAR DEATH NOT FOR MYSELF, BUT FOR THE PEOPLE AROUND ME
I WOULD RISK MY LIFE TO SAVE A STRANGER/FAMILY/FRIEND
KNOW MORE ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY THAN IS GOOD FOR ME...LEAVING ME TO ALWAYS THINK SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME
LOVE STEVE MORE THAN HE WILL EVER KNOW
LOVE MY FAMILY MORE THAN THEY KNOW
LOVE MY FRIENDS MORE THAN THEY KNOW
AM INSECURE
AM CONFIDENT
HATE DRAMA
LOVE THE COLOR RED
LOVE MOVIES
SOMETIMES CAUSE DRAMA WITH MY WORRIES
COULD PROBABLY USE ANGER MANAGEMENT
LIKE TO SHOOT GUNS
LIKE TO LIFT WEIGHTS
LIKE TO RUN
WILL FIGHT OVER MY BELIEFS
WILL FIGHT OVER ROAD RAGE, GOSSIPY GIRLS, AND DRUNKEN PEOPLE IN A BAR
ALWAYS DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO, BEFORE I DO WHAT I WANT TO DO
HATE INCONSIDERATE PEOPLE
AM VERY CONSIDERATE
ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE THINGS CLEAN AND IN THEIR PLACE
HATE MY FACE WITHOUT MAKEUP
FEEL LIKE I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY WITH MY BODY
WEAR MY IMMUNE SYSTEM OUT WITH WORRY AND STRESS
CAN BE A HEALTH FREAK! TAKING LOTS OF VITAMINS
WOULD LOVE TO GO TO A SUNS OR 49ERS GAME
LOVE TO VISIT HAWAII AND SAN FRANSISCO/ SAN DIEGO
WOULD LOVE TO BE A CELEBRITY AND USE MY FAME POSITIVELY
AM SYMPATHETIC AND EMPATHETIC
HAVE A LOT TO SAY TO EX BOYFRIENDS
WOULD TAKE MANY DAYS BACK IN LIFE
HAVE LEARNED A LOT FROM EXPERIENCES IN LIFE
GREW UP TOO FAST
HATE TO WAKE UP EARLY
LOVE TO SING
LOVE TO PLAY PRANKS ON PEOPLE
LOVE TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH
LOVE TO FEEL HAPPY FOR PEOPLE AND SEE THEM HAPPYAM PROUD OF MY EMT/FIREFIGHTER ACCOMPLISHMENT
HAVE SEEN SOMEONE DIE
HAVE SEEN SOMEONE SURVIVE!
CAN NOT STAND TO SEE PEOPLE SUFFER OR CRY
LOVE TO DANCE, PARTY, DRINK, STAY UP LATE
AM PROUD OF MY FAMILY'S ACCOMPLISHMENTS
HOPES MY FAMILY IS PROUD OF ME
LOVE THE WATER
LOVE ALASKA, LAS VEGAS, ARIZONA AND SEATTLE
DISLIKE NEW MEXICO
LOVE THE MEXICAN CULTURE AND FOOD
MISS MY FUEGO EVERYDAY
GO ON HEALTHY DIETS, DANGEROUS DIETS, AND ROTATE BACK INTO EATING WHAT EVER THE FUCK I FEEL LIKE
LOVE JALAPENOS, SALT, FRIES, ANYTHING SPICY ... MEXICAN, CHINESE, AND ITALIAN
AM THINKING ABOUT VOTING THIS TIME AROUND
LOVE TO TALK TO STRANGERS AND GET TO KNOW PEOPLE
LOVE TO BE AROUND PEOPLE
WILL HELP ANYONE
HATE DIRTY LOOKS
LOVE TO LAUGH
HATE TO GO GROCERY SHOPPING ALONE
FEEL ANXIETY IN THE MALL AROUND MASS AMOUNTS OF PEOPLE
CAN NOT STAND TO FLY
WILL NEVER SKY-DIVE
FIND CADAVERS INTERESTING
CAN NOT BELIEVE WASTED 3 YEARS AS A OFFICE MANAGER TO AN UNGREATFUL COMPANY
AM VERY GREATFUL FOR THINGS
AM ALWAYS LATE
BELIEVE IN KARMA
AM WAITING FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HURT ME TO GET THEIRS
TRY AND MAKE THINGS BETTER TO HAVE PEACE WITH EVERYONE I HAVE EVER MET
HATE PEOPLE WHO TALK SHIT
GET NERVOUS AROUND COPS
LOVE ALMOST EVERY KIND OF MUSIC FROM MARIAH TO FIFTY
SOMETIMES HAVE BAD COMMUNICATION
SOMETIMES TALK TOO MUCH
WILL NEVER DRIVE A CAR AGAIN
LOVE MY BEAST (TRUCK)
WISHES MY FRIENDS COULD MOVE TO SEATTLE
WOULD LIKE TO MAKE MORE FRIENDS IN SEATTLE
WANT MORE MONEY...OR AT LEAST ENOUGH TO PAY DEBT OFF COMPLETELY
WANT TO BE A MOTHER
WANT TO BE A GOOD FRIEND
WANT TO BE A GOOD WIFE
WANT TO BE A GOOD DAUGHTER
USUALLY GET GOOD GRADES AND AM AT THE TOP OF MY CLASS
WISHES LIFE WAS EASIER LIKE IT WAS 20 YEARS AGO
FEEL OLD ALREADY, AND MY KNEES FEEL EVEN OLDER
EXCEL AT WORK BEYOND EXPECTATIONS
AIM TO PLEASE MANAGERS/SUPERVISORS, FAMILY (MOSTLY MY PARENTS)
WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR A FRIEND
WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR A FAMILY MEMBER
SOMETIMES HATE MY CELL PHONE
WISH MY SKIN WAS DARKER
WISH MY HAIR WAS LIGHTER
WISH MY HAIR WAS AS THICK AS IT WAS WHEN I WAS 10
WOULD LIKE MORE DAYS OFF TO RELAX AND TALK/CATCH UP WITH PEOPLE
WOULD LIKE TIME TO VENTURE THE CITY
WOULD LIKE MORE TIME TO LAY BY THE WATER
WOULD LIKE PEOPLE TO APPRECIATE ME
AM VERY CONSCIENTIOUS
COULD NOT IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT MUSIC
LOVE TO LEARN
LOVE PICTURES
WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A DIFFERENCEWOULD LOVE TO HEAL PEOPLE

TRUTH

I'M SO FED UP WITH THESE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE WHO CLAIM TO BE TRUTHFUL AND BLUNT AND THEY PRIDE THEMSELVES IN BEING SOMEONE YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHERE YOU STAND WITH...WHAT THEY ARE THINKING...HOW THEY FEEL...BUT THE MOMENT YOU ARE TRUTHFUL WITH THEM IT BACKFIRES. WHY IS IT THAT THEY CAN BE BLUNT AND DELIVER THE TRUTH IN AN UNWRAPPED BLUNT FORCE OF WORDS...BUT IF THE FACTS ARE COMING OUT MY MOUTH IT HAS TO BE GENTLE AND SUGAR COATED. SHOULDN'T TWO PEOPLE WHO CAN BOTH TELL THE TRUTH BE ABLE TO HAVE A DECENT FRIENDSHIP? SHOULDN'T THAT FRIENDSHIP BE STRONG WHEN TWO PEOPLE ARE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER? SHOULDN'T I BE ABLE TO DELIVER THE SAME TRUTH WITHOUT FEELING LIKE A BITCH? OR BEING THOUGHT OF AS ONE?

REGRET

I FEEL LIKE REGRET IS A NEVER ENDING PART OF LIFE. IT'S LIKE AN INFECTION THAT KEEPS MANIFESTING ITSELF TO MY HEART AND TO MY MIND. IT'S LIKE A MONSTER OR A SKELETON YOU TRY AND KEEP DEEP INSIDE. IT CAN WEAR YOU DOWN. IT CAN TAKE OVER YOUR DAY TO DAY. WHEN I WAS 19 I USE TO TELL PEOPLE I DIDN'T REGRET ANYTHING...BECAUSE AT THE TIME BEFORE AND IN THE MOMENT I THOUGHT IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. IN THE MOMENT IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE RIGHT DECISION TO MAKE. WHAT DID I KNOW AT 19 AND HOW DID I KNOW TO MAYBE MAKE THE BETTER DECISION. NOW I AM 30 AND I AM LOOKING BACK AT SITUATIONS IN MY LIFE AND I WOULD HAVE PLAYED THINGS OUT SO DIFFERENTLY. BUT THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT KNOWING NOW WHAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW THEN. SO YOU CAN'T FIX YOUR LACK OF KNOWLEDGE BEFORE... LIKE YOU HAVE AT THIS POINT. YOU OBVIOUSLY CAN NOT GO BACK IN TIME AND CHANGE THINGS. IF YOU COULD THERE WOULD BE NO SUCH THING. SO HOW DO YOU FIGHT THE BATTLE AND ACCEPT THE REGRET. HOW DO YOU MOVE ON AND NOT LINGER? HOW DO YOU ACCEPT WHAT HAS HAPPENED HAS HAPPENED AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO MAYBE MAKE IT RIGHT?